Ausmini
It is currently Sat Jul 19, 2025 4:38 pm

Board index » Mini Chat » Mini Chat

All times are UTC + 10 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  Page 1 of 1
  [ 12 posts ] 
  Print view Previous topic | Next topic 
Author Message
drmini in aust
 Post subject: Lucas Electric jokes...
PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 7:47 am 
Offline
religious status
religious status
User avatar

Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 6:19 pm
Posts: 39754
Location: near Baulkham Hills, NSW
Got this off the MiniPortal board... enjoy! 8)


The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas denies having invented the darkness. But they still claim the "sudden, unexpected darkness"

Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three position Lucas switch - Dim, ****** and Off. The other three switch settings - Smoke, Smolder and Burn.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

"I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou...

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo - It sank!

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they meet too much resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night,as they all look the same ?" "He replied, it does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."

Lucas systems actually use AC current; it just has a random frequency that's all.

Why do the English drink their beer WARM? Because their refrigerators are made by Lucas

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

LUCAS = Lord of Utter Chaos And Saprogenicity

_________________
DrMini- 1970 wasaMatic 1360, Mk1S crank, 86.6HP (ATW) =~125 @ crank, 45 Dellorto (38 chokes), RE282 sprint cam, 1.5 rockers, 11.0:1 C/R. :mrgreen:
Top
 Profile  
 
Wombat
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 8:59 am 
Offline
1360cc
1360cc
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2004 7:23 am
Posts: 7339
Location: Sunny Shine Coast, Qld Australia
:lol:

_________________
David L
Image

My greatest fear in life is that when I die my wife will sell my Mini and tools for the price I told her I paid for them!
Top
 Profile  
 
rampage101
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 10:09 am 
Offline
998cc
998cc
User avatar

Joined: Wed Mar 17, 2004 8:52 am
Posts: 734
Location: NSW Australia
Nice :D
Top
 Profile  
 
min13k
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 12:06 pm 
Offline
I DWIVE A BIG TWUCK
I DWIVE A BIG TWUCK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 5:17 pm
Posts: 8732
ohmmmmmmmmmm oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmm
he he he vacume cleaner that dont suck haw haw haw
makka

_________________
Anonymous moderation means the agro that is built up towards the mods isn't aimed at an individual (fewer "Makk" attacks). Less stress for mods means less moderator "retirements".
Top
 Profile  
 
Anto
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 1:17 pm 
Offline
1275cc
1275cc
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 10:34 am
Posts: 2067
Location: Canberra
Ha ha yeah the vacuum cleaner one makes me laugh every time! I had a visit by the prince of darkness the other night in the rain. Car started running on less than the full quota of cylinders and wouldn't go past four grand. Damn wet ignition! And I have electric ignition!

And then the headlights started to ****** and I new my car had been possessed......
Top
 Profile  
 
Morris 1100
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2004 1:11 am 
Offline
Causing or creating vexation

Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2004 10:32 pm
Posts: 19124
I have a Lucas Computer on my Austin Montego! It controls the operation of the SU carby! It don't work and it smells fried!
Top
 Profile  
 
drmini in aust
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2004 6:59 am 
Offline
religious status
religious status
User avatar

Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 6:19 pm
Posts: 39754
Location: near Baulkham Hills, NSW
Morris 1100 wrote:
I have a Lucas Computer on my Austin Montego! It controls the operation of the SU carby! It don't work and it smells fried!


Hmmmm `Lucas Computer'- isn't that an oxymoron? (doesn't compute..) :lol:

_________________
DrMini- 1970 wasaMatic 1360, Mk1S crank, 86.6HP (ATW) =~125 @ crank, 45 Dellorto (38 chokes), RE282 sprint cam, 1.5 rockers, 11.0:1 C/R. :mrgreen:
Top
 Profile  
 
Morris 1100
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2004 8:14 pm 
Offline
Causing or creating vexation

Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2004 10:32 pm
Posts: 19124
Isn't an oxymoron a stupid welder?


Last edited by Morris 1100 on Sun Sep 12, 2004 8:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Top
 Profile  
 
drmini in aust
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2004 8:20 pm 
Offline
religious status
religious status
User avatar

Joined: Fri Mar 19, 2004 6:19 pm
Posts: 39754
Location: near Baulkham Hills, NSW
"....... stupid welder"
Hey lets not call each other names, yet... :shock:

_________________
DrMini- 1970 wasaMatic 1360, Mk1S crank, 86.6HP (ATW) =~125 @ crank, 45 Dellorto (38 chokes), RE282 sprint cam, 1.5 rockers, 11.0:1 C/R. :mrgreen:
Top
 Profile  
 
68matic
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2004 8:48 pm 
Offline
1275cc
1275cc
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 9:12 pm
Posts: 5038
Location: cabramatta sydney
drmini in aust wrote:
Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone. Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.


Lucas' first name is actually F*cking

_________________
Inconspicuously Conspicuous
Appreciation without Depreciation
forever chasing clearer skies...
Top
 Profile  
 
min13k
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Sun Sep 12, 2004 11:31 pm 
Offline
I DWIVE A BIG TWUCK
I DWIVE A BIG TWUCK
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 5:17 pm
Posts: 8732
there used to be a busker in the cross who had a song called wy wifes in love with a vacume cleaner ........... hmmm not a lucas i would surmise
makka

_________________
Anonymous moderation means the agro that is built up towards the mods isn't aimed at an individual (fewer "Makk" attacks). Less stress for mods means less moderator "retirements".
Top
 Profile  
 
MiniK
 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 14, 2004 11:49 am 
Offline
998cc
998cc
User avatar

Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2004 5:01 pm
Posts: 1090
Location: Penrith, NSW
:lol:


Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: " Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."

_________________
[Maverick] 1971 Mini K
Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  Page 1 of 1
  [ 12 posts ] 

Board index » Mini Chat » Mini Chat

All times are UTC + 10 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: watsupskip and 81 guests

You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Jump to:  

© 2016 Ausmini. All garage work involves equal measures of enthusiasm, ingenuity and a fair degree of irresponsibility.